Double Suck

Double Team stars Jean-Claude Van Dammne, and it's the worst action movie I've seen since...well, some other movie that starred Jean-Claude Van Damme. Dennis Rodman is also in this, and his hair color changes from scene to scene. But it doesn't matter what color his hair is, he is possibly the worst actor I've ever laid eyes/ears on. Then there's Mickey Rourke, who probably just did this for a paycheck. He doesn't even have a whole lot of screen time. The movie is a complete mess. I won't even reveal any plot points, because I have no idea what the movie is about. It's just a confusing, boring mess.

Formula plot, terrific set-pieces

DOUBLE TEAM

(USA - 1997)

Aspect ratio: 2.39:1 (Super 35)
Theatrical soundtracks: SDDS / Dolby Stereo SR

A counter-terrorist officer (Jean-Claude Van Damme) pursues the criminal mastermind (Mickey Rourke) who has kidnapped Van Damme's pregnant wife (Natacha Lindinger).

An American action movie, directed by noted Chinese filmmaker Tsui Hark on European locations, featuring an unlikely combination of Belgian beefcake (Van Damme) and US basketball icon (Dennis Rodman) as the good guys pitted against Rourke's pumped-up terrorist, seeking revenge for the death of his infant son! A curious mixture, designed to introduce Tsui to international audiences following the director's long - and successful - career in SE Asia (where he produced and/or directed a number of iconic entries, including the "Once Upon a Time in China" and "A Better Tomorrow" series).

Narrative and characterization are minimal at best, and the visual effects are surprisingly poor for a late 1990's action pic, but die-hard fans will doubtless embrace the film's outrageous set-pieces, including a final showdown between Van Damme and Rourke in a crumbling Roman arena which recalls the Colosseum battle between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in THE WAY OF THE DRAGON (1972). Voyeurs will also appreciate the attention lavished on Van Damme's physical splendor: Watch out for a brief - but memorable - sequence in which the almost-naked actor uses a weighted bathtub as training apparatus, which is played and edited like a hot 'n' heavy sex scene, complete with orgasmic sound effects! Pristine, eye-popping camera-work by Peter Pau Tak-hei (CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON).

Personal Foul - Dennis Rodman

The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM)

1. Who is he? Jack Quinn, anti-terrorism expert
2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? His kidnapped wife, his unborn son
3. Does he take his shirt off? His opening scene is straight out of the shower, and into the swimming pool
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress? How do you think his wife got pregnant?
5. Is there a tournament? No, but Dennis Rodman thinks there is
6. Is training needed for this tournament? No, but Dennis Rodman should have taken some acting classes beforehand
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament? Constantly. This might be the most splitastic of all his movies.
8. Does he punch someone in the balls? As if JCVD was attempting to sabotage this movie, he leaves out one of his classic moves.
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? So much so that in a deleted scene he gets dizzy and pukes
10. Is his enemy unbeatable? For the role, Mickey Rourke looks buff, not tough
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance? Just Rodman's acting
12. Does he win? As lamely as possible

Coaxed out of retirement to capture his arch-nemesis Stavros (Rourke), it's up to Quinn to ensure he is prepared with the latest weaponry. Quinn makes his way to the local source of all sexual and social deviation in Antwerp. Bikers, hippies, extreme tattoo artists and piercing specialists, trannies, hookers, body modification oddities, freaks and geeks. Naturally, he'd run into Yaz (Dennis Rodman) in a place like this. And, of course, Rodman is an exotic arms dealer, an extraterrestrial version of James Bond's trusty Q.

Now supplied with a weapon that can, "shoot the d*@k off a hummingbird", Quinn sets up Stavros in the first ever carnival sting. When the plan goes awry - not to mention the best fight ever in a hospital nursery - Quinn is sent to The Colony, a top secret, pseudo-retirement home for special agents who still monitor world events.

Ironically directed by Tsui Hard, the reason this film fails is that it tries too hard. Some nice slow-motion, Matrix-esque bullet dodging scenes, and the JCVD kicks are always classic, but there's just too much to truly enjoy. From an ATV in southern France to plutonium stolen in Croatia, from a plane shot down by the North Koreans, and on to Rome, Antwerp, etc...it's pointless for the film's progression, as if the director simply wanted to collect frequent flyer mileage. The dialogue between JCVD and Rodman is atrocious. Delivered in a completely unpleasant hiccup staccato style, it's difficult to ascertain who speaks worse English. Made worse by the insistence of inserting basketball jargon into every possible sentence, it's simply painful. And I'll only briefly mention the pathetic attempts to insert the burgeoning internet into the mix, the fact that JCVD kicks a tiger, and the insulting Coca Cola product placement at the end.

I recommend this for only the JCVD zealot.

No no no!

Why? Van Damme has soooooo many good movies and this is the third one they decide to put in HD? Uhh..Universal Soldier, Cyborg, Death Warrant, Kickboxer, Hard Target, The Quest, Double Impact, In Hell, Wake of Death and of course BLOODSPORT! Come on now! I mean, sure, I'll buy this one only because I have every one of his movies on DVD and hope they release them all again in HD, but damn. I was really hoping for a better release :(

I give this 1 star..

This movie is proof there is no God.

A group of drunken, coke-obsessed urangutangs would have made a better cast then these phelonious hams. My unborn child has felt the pain that this movie inflicted on humanity as a whole. I would rather see my family brutally tortured then hit by 2 oncoming trains simulataneously whilst being molested by Moroccan circus freaks then watch this film. Special not to the creators: I hope you lose your eye-sight in a freak mountain climbing accident involving a billy-goat and a snail...you would think this is the end of the review...but oh no...we've only just begun. You will pay dearly for this crime against humanity. You and only you are to blame for all that is wrong and evil in this world. I wanted to beat Jean Claud Van Damme with a stale baguette and throw Dennis Rodman's limp,lifeless body against a wall then through a flaming basketball hoop when I saw this movie. The meteor in Armageddon made me feel better then watching these two proverbial "actors" walk aimlessly through this maniacal tyrade of a film...OK...I'm done.